Illuminated

I don’t know why I should continue to feel the way I do. I mean we have moved on, we hardly talk at all anymore, we aren’t in each other’s lives really so why am I filled up with such emotion when I think about her? I was happy when we were together but I was unhappy at the fact that we lived far apart. I still loved her with all of my heart even if I became selfish, misunderstanding of her life and its complications, and mean. I’m sitting here staring at the computer, just thinking about how many times I made a mistake and recollecting how many times she forgave me for them and took me back without question. I still took advantage of what I had right in front of me - true love. A love that I can never regain, at least not right now anyway. I realize I messed up and should have kept you by my side instead of overlooking the one thing that meant the most in my life. You’ve gone to bed now, not even thinking of me and I can’t blame you for not doing so. We are just friends now, more so becoming like distant strangers who will one day forget about the past that we shared. I don’t ever want to forget you. I love you so much and think I will forever if you will allow me to. You were the best person who came into my life and I guess that’s why it just kills me so much to see that you’re gone now, not even wanting me back despite my feelings for you. Every time I talk to you, Scarlet, I just feel free and overjoyed that I don’t want to ever stop. I never wanted to lose you but it looks as if I already have. I know I shouldn’t live in self-pity and I should just move on and try to find another girl but I can’t. If you haven’t noticed, you’re special to me. You have always been and you always will be. No other girl can replace you. I know this isn’t what you wanted to here but its all I’ve been thinking about these past few days. Emotions aren’t best kept bottled-up inside of someone but this is what I’ve been feeling. I know it seems as if I am getting better at dealing with this, but the truth is that I’ve only built my wall up higher - becoming immune to emotional situations or just simply turning around and seeming not to care. There are so many things I wish I could tell you everyday, or just call you to say “Hello” but I realize I would just be putting you and myself through hell just like I have in the past. I don’t want to be vulnerable but I’ve kept so many things inside of me and it just hurts me to think that you’re happy without me now…

Goodnight.

I got my package from Amazon.com a few days ago but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t opened it until today. I’m really speechless because the experience is so different. Using a tablet gives you so much more freedom than a regular mouse; I kind of feel bad for not getting a tablet sooner. But I’m so glad I bought one - my first one at a reasonable price as well. Its a Genius 8×6 and it is great for beginning designers, who aren’t as experienced and are on a moderate budget. Hopefully I’ll get used to using the pen more; I guess I need to practice more traditional techniques because I am a bit rusty with freehand drawing. The pressure sensitivity of the tablet is also a feature I’m going to enjoy having. No more hassling with the pen tool in Photoshop errrr, unless I just get lazy, haha. Well its been a hectic day today. Looking forward to having lunch with a friend, going to get my schedule changed, and going to band from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. tomorrow. Sorry for my laziness but I’m really trying to update this more :/

Sayonara :)

So ever since since Natasha Bedingfield’s “Pocketful of Sunshine” came out, I’ve wanted to do a piece inspired by it. I had meaning to create something from it for awhile but just the other day when I popped by earbuds in and listened to it, something made me immediately go to the computer and open Photoshop. I had found a stock image I took of clouds almost a year ago but I needed something else. My first idea came from the idea of taking something out of a pocket. I didn’t have any photos of that so I went outside and took a semi-fair photo of one of my hand cupped. I knew then that I wanted to do a photomanipulated project involving the hand and the clouds. I took some inspiration from pop-art like ones I had seen on the MTV Hits channel where randomness radiates from a beginning point which really has no meaning, yet engages the eyes. As of now, this is still a work in progress but I wanted to do something different. Hopefully when my tablet comes in, I can add a freehand touch to some of the vector art I already started.

Sayonara :)

I haven’t updated my subdomain in about a year or longer which is kind of sad. I love being on the internet, I just am not a frequent blogger at all. I’m trying to change this. I’m really excited about my graphics tablet that I order a few days ago. I only paid $50 for it because its going to be my first one and I didn’t want to go overboard, you know? I mean what if a tablet is not for me? What if its difficult to use? I asked myself these questions and more but I realize that learning to draw takes extreme patience and practice. Hopefully I will develop my skills further than just being a beginner. I plan to get into more realism, vector art, and anime/manga fanart as well. Its just a pain scanning and uploading from traditional media such as paper. That’s really all for now.

Sayonara :)