Illuminated

I don’t know why I should continue to feel the way I do. I mean we have moved on, we hardly talk at all anymore, we aren’t in each other’s lives really so why am I filled up with such emotion when I think about her? I was happy when we were together but I was unhappy at the fact that we lived far apart. I still loved her with all of my heart even if I became selfish, misunderstanding of her life and its complications, and mean. I’m sitting here staring at the computer, just thinking about how many times I made a mistake and recollecting how many times she forgave me for them and took me back without question. I still took advantage of what I had right in front of me - true love. A love that I can never regain, at least not right now anyway. I realize I messed up and should have kept you by my side instead of overlooking the one thing that meant the most in my life. You’ve gone to bed now, not even thinking of me and I can’t blame you for not doing so. We are just friends now, more so becoming like distant strangers who will one day forget about the past that we shared. I don’t ever want to forget you. I love you so much and think I will forever if you will allow me to. You were the best person who came into my life and I guess that’s why it just kills me so much to see that you’re gone now, not even wanting me back despite my feelings for you. Every time I talk to you, Scarlet, I just feel free and overjoyed that I don’t want to ever stop. I never wanted to lose you but it looks as if I already have. I know I shouldn’t live in self-pity and I should just move on and try to find another girl but I can’t. If you haven’t noticed, you’re special to me. You have always been and you always will be. No other girl can replace you. I know this isn’t what you wanted to here but its all I’ve been thinking about these past few days. Emotions aren’t best kept bottled-up inside of someone but this is what I’ve been feeling. I know it seems as if I am getting better at dealing with this, but the truth is that I’ve only built my wall up higher - becoming immune to emotional situations or just simply turning around and seeming not to care. There are so many things I wish I could tell you everyday, or just call you to say “Hello” but I realize I would just be putting you and myself through hell just like I have in the past. I don’t want to be vulnerable but I’ve kept so many things inside of me and it just hurts me to think that you’re happy without me now…

Goodnight.